


At the End of Everything

by ardett



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Gen, Memento mori, Unus Annus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:53:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27537892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: Hold onto Anything
Relationships: Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 30
Kudos: 154





	At the End of Everything

**Author's Note:**

> The end isn't near. It's here.

01:00:00:00

Ethan goes to Mark’s house on the last day of Unus Annus. It’s dark out. Close to midnight. He doesn’t knock, just walks in. They’re expecting him.

When he gets inside though, it’s only Mark sitting at the kitchen table. There’s a laptop open in front of him. On the screen is Unus Annus.

“Where’s Amy?” Ethan asks.

Mark doesn’t look up at him. He’s staring at the screen. “Not home. She thought we should do it alone.”

“What, no content for later?” Ethan jokes.

Mark just shakes his head. His arms are crossed, fingers digging into his biceps. Ethan can see how tense Mark is but he’s not sure what to do about it. He pulls out a chair and sits. He tries not to look at the computer.

“Thanks for doing this with me,” Mark says suddenly. His eyes snap up to Ethan’s. They’re wet with unshed tears. They’re piercing. 

Ethan smiles. His throat feels tight. They still have a little over an hour before the channel will be deleted. He tries to hold back the tears he knows are just below the surface, at least for a little bit longer. 

He nudges his knee into Mark’s. “Thanks for asking me.” He blinks up at the ceiling. His lashes are wet but no tears fall. “Did you ever get sick of me?”

“Well…” The question finally ekes a smile out of Mark. “A year’s a long time. But honestly, no. Not in a real way. You always try your best. Can’t ask more of you than that.”

“Yeah, that’s me. Gold star for participation.” Mark laughs at that one.

As Mark’s laugh settles, he teases, “If anything, I bet you were more sick of me.”

“You and your fucking bits,” Ethan grins. He splays his hands out on the table. “You know, we didn’t even think we were gonna do every video together, remember?”

Mark rubs a hand down his face. “Oh god, yeah. I almost forgot about that. Really didn’t pan out the way we planned, did it?”

“Does anything?” Ethan chuckles. “It was better with the two of us though. Even during quarantine, we made it work.”

Mark nods and there’s a beat of silence before he states, “And we didn’t miss any.”

“We didn’t miss any,” Ethan repeats. He can’t help the way his eyes drift towards the screen. The time is getting closer. “Do you think it was worth it?” he says.

“Sure. I don’t know,” Mark murmurs. He runs a hand through his hair. “What makes something worth it? We got to make something together. People cared about it. We had fun. Or at least I had fun. What more can you ask?”

“I had fun,” Ethan insists, like Mark doesn’t know how grateful Ethan is, eternally.

The corner of Mark’s mouth quirks up. “I know.”

Mark’s elbow brushes against Ethan’s. Neither of them move away. Ethan wonders if they’re going to lose the small moments like this. They’ve gotten so comfortable with each other. In some ways, Ethan feels like Mark is more of a friend than he ever was before. Mark’s almost like family now.

“Is it silly that I’m having a hard time letting go of it?” Ethan mutters. His fingers curl, nails pressing ever so gently into his palm. “That was the whole point, wasn’t it? Learning to let go?”

“It’s not silly. It’s… It’s going to be harder to let go than I thought it would.” Mark sighs. “I can’t believe I thought I could do this alone. I’m… I’m glad you did it with me. That we did it together.”

“Me too.” Ethan looks out the window. A year gone and so much has changed. So much more than they ever imagined could. “What a fucking year for Unus Annus, right?”

Mark barks out a laugh. “Yeah, no kidding. If only we could delete the whole year.” He pauses, growing more serious. “That’s the only thing that worries me actually.”

“What?”

“I think we became something that people were holding onto. It’s something that even I was holding onto during those first couple months of quarantine. We thought everything would go back to normal and of course it didn’t, but at least we had the channel. And we had to make videos for it, no matter what.” Mark’s voice is steady but Ethan sees his eyes track back to the screen, to the steadily dying channel.

“I held onto it too. I mean, you know. I needed it during quarantine. It was… It was rough. I can’t wait to be free, obviously, but I’m worried too. Things are better now. But it’s still another thing we’re going to lose. That a lot of people are going to lose.” The thought of it now that he’s said it out loud almost takes Ethan’s breath away. It’s hard to think about. It makes his lungs burn, the want to finally be freed from the channel warring with the desire to hold onto anything from before the pandemic.

“You gonna be okay?” Mark’s gaze meets Ethan’s, not pitying but caring and concerned. 

Ethan nods. “I will be. Maybe not today right at this moment but I really will be. We’ll still have each other. And I’m excited to just go somewhere with Spencer. I know what I need to do to keep taking care of myself.”

“Good, good.” Mark is still staring at him. Ethan tilts his head to the side.

“What? Why’re you looking at me like that?”

“You know, your hair kind of makes it look like corona never happened.”

Ethan fluffs at his hair. “Does it?”

“I just remember you shaving it right when we were all at home. I was wondering if it would grow back by the time we were done. But it did. Now it looks like how it did in the beginning of the year. Well, last November, I guess.” Mark shakes his head. “Sorry, that wasn’t really what we were talking about. Just made me think about cycles. Full circle, all that.”

“Yeah, guess it does look like it used to. Feels different though. I don’t think I did as good a job as a real barber would have.” Ethan grins before it fades. “It feels like everything. The same but different.”

“The same but different,” Mark echos. He looks at the time. They only have fifteen minutes until midnight. “Time is getting close.”

“Yeah.” Ethan swallows. “I know I’m gonna go somewhere after. Just get out of LA somewhere with Spencer. And I know this is a silly question. But we’ll still see each other, right? Once this is over? I know you’ll be busy but I… I really liked this. Getting to see you more. It doesn’t have to be this often but I don’t want to lose you again.”

“Of course not, Eth— Again?” Mark asks once the words fully set in. 

Ethan looks away, biting his lip. “Yeah. Again. It’s just, we were all so close over the tour because we were living together on that bus but once the tour was over, we kind of lost it. We just… didn’t stay connected. I didn’t. We weren’t filming together as much and I didn’t see you as much and part of that is definitely on me. I could have reached out more. And I don’t think I realized it, but I…” Ethan swallows. The words come out as a whisper. “I missed you. Sometimes I feel like I miss you right now.”

“Ethan, I promise we’re not going to lose each other. I know… I know that maybe we drifted apart for a little but if this year has taught me anything, it’s that there are some things that you can’t take for granted. I’m going to do better too. It’s just the end of the channel. Not the end of everything.” Mark takes Ethan’s hand, just locks a couple of their fingers together. “I’m not letting you go. You probably couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”

Ethan giggles at that but it dies in his throat as he looks at the time. Three minutes.

“Who’s going to press the button?” he asks.

Mark squeezes his hand. “Together?”

Ethan squeezes back. “All right, together.”

They sit there in silence as the last minutes tick away. Ethan swears he can hear the clock. He can’t help himself as the time draws closer. He sniffles as his throat starts to close. His face feels hot and just a couple of blinks later, tears start to trail down his face. When he looks over at Mark, he sees that he’s already quietly crying.

There’s 30 seconds left.

“Ready?” Mark’s voice wavers. The mouse hovers over the delete button. They poise their hands over the trackpad. “Memento mori, and all that.”

“Memento mori,” Ethan whispers. He can see Mark’s hand shaking.

“Three.”

“Two.”

_“One.”_

00:00:00:00

**Author's Note:**

> I've said my goodbyes, I've made my peace. All I want to say now is thank you


End file.
